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Forced Mantra
"You are selfish."

It's the phrase that was hurled at me over & over during my childhood, through adolescence, & into adulthood as the ultimate insult.  It was my constant soundtrack that I tried to get away from... & in doing so, I am selfish.

No one can harbor more hatred for myself than me.  I hate myself because I am the cause of all of my suffering.  If I had never been born, then I wouldn't be filled with such hatred.  I am too fat.  I am too quiet.  I am too loud.  I am too blunt.  I am too honest.  I hate me more than you ever will.  I am nothing.  I am shit. 

I deserve to bleed.  I deserve to be tortured every damn day because I am bad.  I always have been & I always will be.  I deserved every fucking thing that has happened to me.  Everything.  I am a horrid person.  I am cold.  I am fucked-up.  I always will be.

I can't deal with my problems, only push them down, just like everyone else.  There is no "dealing" with anything.  I have been ruined for years & will never be "good."  I don't speak when I should & I speak when I shouldn't.  I never do the right thing. 

I deserve death.  I don't deserve to breathe.  I don't deserve food.  I deserve nothing. 

I am selfish & will always be horrible.  No one needs to be around me.  I bring everyone down.  I have too many problems & it doesn't matter.  I am unimportant.  Nothing I say means anything.

You are welcome to cut me with the things that hurt the most... & you did...

Trigger me.  It's all it takes to make me collapse into an irrational heap of anger & tears & self-destruction.

I am nothing.  I hate myself.  I am not worthy of shit.  I don't deserve anything.

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Minority opinion, maybe, but here it is: I think you are not at all selfish, don't at all deserve to be tortured in any way whatever, and without you Ki would not have come back to life on these pages.

So I am thankful you are here and I hope you will continue to be for a long long time.


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