::.achike ketsunoana.:: (gothicotter) wrote,
::.achike ketsunoana.::

  • Location:
  • Mood:
  • Music:

Forced Mantra

"You are selfish."

It's the phrase that was hurled at me over & over during my childhood, through adolescence, & into adulthood as the ultimate insult.  It was my constant soundtrack that I tried to get away from... & in doing so, I am selfish.

No one can harbor more hatred for myself than me.  I hate myself because I am the cause of all of my suffering.  If I had never been born, then I wouldn't be filled with such hatred.  I am too fat.  I am too quiet.  I am too loud.  I am too blunt.  I am too honest.  I hate me more than you ever will.  I am nothing.  I am shit. 

I deserve to bleed.  I deserve to be tortured every damn day because I am bad.  I always have been & I always will be.  I deserved every fucking thing that has happened to me.  Everything.  I am a horrid person.  I am cold.  I am fucked-up.  I always will be.

I can't deal with my problems, only push them down, just like everyone else.  There is no "dealing" with anything.  I have been ruined for years & will never be "good."  I don't speak when I should & I speak when I shouldn't.  I never do the right thing. 

I deserve death.  I don't deserve to breathe.  I don't deserve food.  I deserve nothing. 

I am selfish & will always be horrible.  No one needs to be around me.  I bring everyone down.  I have too many problems & it doesn't matter.  I am unimportant.  Nothing I say means anything.

You are welcome to cut me with the things that hurt the most... & you did...

Trigger me.  It's all it takes to make me collapse into an irrational heap of anger & tears & self-destruction.

I am nothing.  I hate myself.  I am not worthy of shit.  I don't deserve anything.
Tags: thoughts
  • Post a new comment


    Comments allowed for friends only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

  • 1 comment