::.achike ketsunoana.:: (gothicotter) wrote,
::.achike ketsunoana.::

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I'm human & it doesn't matter

I hate this. Why does this have to be my problem? Why can't I just be physically ill instead? 

MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT VISIBLE. Just the symptoms. Therefore, it doesn't matter, doesn't exist...because it's me. I don't matter-- my problems don't matter-- because they're MINE. If it was anyone else, then it would be important, but since it's me...

...I just don't matter. 

I am crazy. I am unstable. & no one cares. They just say, "Go take some pills, get a prescription. You need it." They have no desire to actually care-- they just want their lives to not be affected. They want me to be medicated so they don't have to deal. It's a fucking bandaid over a rotting limb-- it doesn't make the problem go away, it doesn't fix anything. What I want or how I feel doesn't matter-- as long as I don't bother or inconvenience them in any way. 

I'm told, "Oh not again. Just get over it. Get a script. You've got a chemical imbalance," because you don't want to deal with me. I don't have a physical illness so it doesn't matter. I MUST be a hypochondriac! You actually have physical problems... You just don't want to bother with my invisible ones. The elephant will be there until eternity. I wish you cared. I know you don't. 

God, my boyfriend is mad at me because he thinks I'm not happy about his promotion which includes him traveling for the company. His first business trip clashes with a trip we've had planned for months. Because I'm disappointed that I won't be able to have his company on our trip, he thinks that I'm not happy about him getting this promotion & going on this business trip. I have actually expressed just the opposite to him-- that I AM happy for him, that I'm proud of him, & that I'm even jealous I can't go with him on his trip!-- in several different ways & he just refuses to hear me! He instead just wants to see it that he's the victim & I'm the bad guy. 

I don't understand how its a bad thing that I feel this way about him not getting to go on our trip. Isn't it actually a good thing? I mean, how exactly would he feel if I said I WASN'T disappointed? How in the world does telling him that I'm disappointed he can't go on our trip translate to I don't want him to go on his business trip? It doesn't. He accuses me of being upset because "things aren't going my way". I hate it when he says that. It is hurtful. It's not true. I simply stated that I was disappointed he wouldn't be accompanying me on the trip we had planned. I never said anything negative about his business trip. 

Somehow this translates to me not being supportive or happy for him. I don't understand. I got so frustrated that I started to cry & he accused me again of only being upset because "things weren't going my way" & because I "couldn't control the situation". 

Whatever. Think whatever you want. I'm no longer going to argue with you about it. It doesn't at all mean you're right-- you're actually completely wrong-- but I'm too tired of fighting & too frustrated because I'm not being heard to argue anymore. There's only so many times I can beat my head against a wall before I give up due to the frustration & pain. 

Apparently it's wrong that I have any feelings at all & that I express them. It's funny how you tell me I don't talk to you & that I bottle things up when I am trying to communicate with you & I rephrase things in different ways hoping that you might understand what I'm saying because you CLEARLY aren't getting the picture.  

I don't matter. I never will. You say you're proud of me when I stand up & defend myself, but when I defend myself against your misconceptions & offer to correct them, then I'm just a horribly selfish person & it pisses you off, so you tell me to leave & go hang out with my best friend since you know I have fun with him & that you're tired of always being the bad guy. That is a nasty & horrible thing to say-- to take the one person that is always in my corner & use their relationship with me against me as a putdown. He is my only real family. He is my brother. That's cruel. & unfair. I don't fight that way. Ever. It's shitty. 

I hate my life. I'm fucking crazy. This pushed me over the edge. I was so upset that I threw up in my bathroom after I got home & I hurt myself for the first time in years. 

Thank you very much for restarting this cycle, job. Thank you very much for pushing me back into crazy. I'm so grateful. It's exactly what I needed. I'm back to being unstable. The warnings didn't matter. I'm nine years old again-- nine years old & completely powerless, helpless, unheard, & ignored. My words don't mean shit. 

I beg him to read this journal. My best friend begs him to read it. Apparently it's still not important enough even though we both say it is. He won't do it-- he thinks it's too private. Well, fine. Don't learn anything about me. I can't talk about all of this stuff. It's here so I can tell you, so you can know, but I guess it's just not important to know your partner even when the WORDS ARE CLEARLY ON A PAGE FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE. 

I'm having trouble with communication. Does this clear shit up for you?
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