I am obviously, as I always have been, very much not included in anything when it comes to this fucking family.
My mother also told me that my cousin has been dating some guy old enough to be her grandfather for over a year. She seemed surprised that I didn't know anything about it. My response was, "No one tells me anything." There was quite a bit of silence in the car in the wake of that statement. It's true. I'm only part of the family when I visit.
My mother said that a shadow was seen in her last mammogram. She has to schedule an MRI to figure out what it is. I hope it's nothing malignant.
Everyone else has physical sickness. In this I am also excluded. I will never be included in this family.
My mother says my stepdad is clinically depressed & is on a new antidepressant. She swears up & down that I need to be medicated too. We had the discussion again about why I don't want to be on any medication. She always seems like she comprehends what I'm saying, but next year I'm sure that we will have the conversation again. We always do. Nothing ever changes.
I am always treated like I don't know anything, like I'm a fucking child again. It's been getting worse as my mother gets comfortable. My stepdad even had to step in & tell my mother to back off a few times.
Why can't they just love me? Why is nothing I do good enough?
I feel such grief. My emotions are delayed. I learned this a few days ago. Today I feel such pain & grief from being excluded again. I feel rejected again. Over & over I feel like they're telling me I still don't belong in this family. Forget all of the things I've accomplished. I'm still not good enough to even warrant a phonecall. I suppose that missed call from my mother all those months ago when she called just to tell me she loved me was a fluke.